This was the most beautiful thing I read last week "As we're the last two people we know in New York City, Baz and I are leaving town tomorrow morning. She's in love, I speculate, and I'm in love, no doubts there. Together she and I will go off and celebrate that. Instead of aching with distance and separation while my man -- the one with the most beautiful sad and funny eyes in the world -- is out of the country, I'll be happy and lucky and busy, because I am and I am and I am."

I'm not in love, but one day I will be, and until then I'll smile wistfully when I catch glimpses of it through the corner of my eye.
posted by frank at 1:10 PM

Ahh...., the French :) I'm in St.Martin right now and thus far having a pretty good time. The only downside is that all of the men are so damned fashionable, that my already faulty gaydar has fallen to a previously unseen low of about 20% accuracy. Oh, and my complete inability to speak French, another definite downside. Rather than be impolite, I started parroting the greetings I'm hit with, I figure that even if I look like an idiot, at least I'm an idiot who trys! I'll figure something out..., besides the only language I want to speak is the international language [insert tounge rolling noise for desired cheesy effect]


posted by frank at 4:57 PM

Okay, so while I was going through my own entirely personal moral crisis, another was unfolding about ten feet away from me. A friend of mine, who I've known since grade school (we hated each other back then, but kind of reconnected at work), who was unquestionably my favorite person to work with, who made the din of stupidity that surrounds my work life quiet down to a bearable mumble, just quit. This sucks. Sucks doesn't even begin to encompass what this is. She quit over what she perceived to be "an unfairly prejudicial and hostile environment", but boils down to a dress code that went against her sense of style. I wanted to convince her to look past her pride and think about how this is going to play out, as opposed to how good it would feel hand in her resignation. I wanted to say that she was wrong, even if the dress code is bullshit. I wanted to grab her by her elbows and shake her into my more conformist views. But instead, I respected her decision and said nothing. I respected her right to take a stand and do what she felt was right, even if it didn't really make any sense to me, and was completely impractical. Which is the right path, grin and bearing, or declaring fuck all?

I'm only going to be here for another month, and if the *ahem* sick day I'm taking tomorrow (so I can go to St. Martin) doesn't stick, maybe less... but I'm definitely going to miss her. In fact, this job is going to downright blow.
posted by frank at 11:44 AM

OK, so here goes... I'm having some huge issues with being gay. All of the sudden, it's like I'm back to seventeen and full of self-loathing and despair. I can't say what specifically brought this on, or when it started (or if it ever really stopped), but after almost two years of feeling good about my gayness, I'm full of questioning and depression over it. I think it has a lot to do with my lack of quality gay friends. And by quality gay friends, I mean people you can trust, and genuinely love, without wanting to hop all over them. It seems like all the gay people I've seen lately are tragically flawed in one way or the other. Now admittedly, most of these people are viewed from a skewed perspective, through television, or the internet, but despite the vantage point, most of them seem fucked to me.

I'm also really worried about how God views my sleeping with guys. I'd like to think that God doesn't really care too much. That when you juxtapose sucking the occasional cock with never giving money to charity, the blowjob comes out on the positive side. But truthfully, I don't know, and for that matter, nobody knows. All we have is a smattering of ancient texts that are attributed to God, or what God's disciples think God may have thought. Do you just go with what you feel in your gut? And what if your gut tells you that you're wrong? Islam believes that homosexuality denotes a lack of character, and as a course of life is a mistake. Depending on your level of fanaticism, this is equivalent to either shoplifting, or peeing on a Quran; it's either a no-no, or a huge earth-shattering sin. Growing up a Muslim (albeit, a very lax Muslim) I've got this in the back of my mind, and that's part of the problem. But the heart of my uncertainty is rooted in the gay community, or lack thereof. Where are the sane, non-asshole homosexuals? Where are my morally-intact brethren? What does morally-intact even entail? I'm really hoping it's a problem of locale and not that there's a complete absence. I'm praying that when I get to SF there will be some ray of hope.

more on this later...
posted by frank at 10:04 AM

The move to California lurches along. I've been working out some, planning some, and obsessing non-stop. If I were brave, I would move to New York. I know nothing about New York, other than that's where it's all supposed to happen. I like the idea of New York, but should one shift their entire life on the basis of an idea..., or should they? New York beckons to me like a dancefloor lover, bathed in lights and full of possibility. Most times, that kiss beneath the bass line doesn't payoff. Outside the club all the glamour is gone and they become just another person that's right for somebody, but not right for you. So, in keeping with the metaphor, could New York be the boy that I take home, or just another jaded meth-queen who seems like a lot of fun at first, but ultimately not worth it.
posted by frank at 1:27 PM

I'm moving to San Francisco in August. In honor of my return to Boystown, I've pledged to lose 30 pounds. The combination of Grannie's cooking and a poor dating pool, produced a lethargy previously unseen in my exercise habits (and to be honest, I wasn't exactly setting endurance records to begin with). Though I'm going to miss my paunch, there's just no place for it in a big city dating scheme. I hate to admit that I'm one of those people who only exercises to look more attractive, but fuck it, that's what I am. Longer life and the ability to climb a flight of stairs without wheezing pale in comparison to being able to catch the eye of a desired trick. So anyway, I've got some pounds to return. And yet, I have a complete lack of desire for exercise and proper eating. Last night I bought not one, but two large pizzas (the two for one coupon really isn't a suitable excuse, but I likes a little thrift with my fat), and let them cool while I ran into the Supermarket for a pint of mango Haagen-Daz. For lunch today, I had two double cheeseburgers, six nuggets, fires and a shake. Something has to be done..., I just don't know what.
posted by frank at 1:03 PM

So I went to see the Matrix Reloaded last night. The first Matrix was almost like an epiphany for me. All I knew of it before I saw it was Keanu Reeves was hot, and a good friend had already seen it three times and was willing to see it a fourth so she could share it with me. Loved it. The idea that we control our reality, and can either be victim to the machinations of others, or empowered to define our own existence, was both powerful and comforting to me. In addition to the fact that it was a delightful surprise, it was also a perfect union of art & commerce. It was Hollywood at it's best, expensive, witty, and thought-provoking. So in an effort to recreate the experience, I tried to put aside my preconceived notions and present myself virgin-like to the viewing experience. For the last three months I've done my best to avoid all kinds of external spoilers. I skipped over review sections in magazines and flipped past all commercials, I even left a fresh shiny Premiere on the newsstand shelf because it featured Monica Belluci and Jada Pinkett-Smith in spoiler-filled pose on its cover. I got to the theater 45 minutes early to avoid the line, and sat silently eating my popcorn. I watched new lovers nuzzle, and friends chatter, and generally enjoyed the simple communion of anticipation. I was already feeling a little isolated when J.C. and his new boyfriend strolled confidently down the aisle together. I'm writing about this here, because I don't really want to talk about it with anyone. I don't want my voice to betray the very real hurt I inflicted on myself during my year long dalliance with him, and the fact that I still burn for him. I feel like a poorly stubbed out cigarette, smoldering on from my ashtray dedicated in my intention, even if its purpose has passed. Why did I let it get me off my well deserved Keanu-inspired drool fest? Why did I sit there in the dark and wonder why he'd chosen the new guy and not me? Why do I still want a boy who so obviously doesn't want me?
posted by frank at 7:11 AM

I think I have to quit my job. Actually, I'm almost positive I have to quit my job. If I have one shred self-love, I've got to quit. It's not like they're flogging me with whips, or subjecting me to Catherine Keener-styled horrors, it's just... I hate it here. The building I work in is the winter home of negativity; it's as toxic as the cabin of a 747, it gets pumped back in through the AC vents and thrives. It's not just that there's a bad vibe.., I feel like I'm not growing, correction, I know I'm not growing. In the past two years I don't think I've learned how to do one new thing. The pay sucks, even though it's more than I've ever made before, and the pace is pretty relaxed... but the lack of something to do isn't as fun as it seemed in 9th grade. Actually, that's kind of where the root of the problem lies. The way I'd envisioned myself in 9th grade in no way resembles the way I live today. On the one hand, kind of foolish to live your life based upon the expectations of a 9th grader, on the other..., who am I? I'm afraid of going hungry, I'm afraid of sleeping in my car, I'm afraid of being the guy that everyone laughs about becuase he still lives with is grandmother, I'm afraid of nothing in particular, and everything all at once. If I woke up in five years and was still working at this job I know I'd break down into tears.
posted by frank at 11:11 AM